3/28/03
This morning the radio told me what my next career move should be.
I was listening to National Public Radio and they have established a program designed to get people to leave them money in their wills. Here's how they describe it on their Web site: The NPR Legacy Society is helping to build the Endowment Fund for Excellence through the gifts of those who have included NPR in their estate plans.
I could do this job. I could get started locally. There are a lot of retirement homes in my town -- I'm not sure why that is.
After all, the climate here closely resembles that of Alaska's. Eskimos live in Alaska.
Oops. Wait a second. I've exposed my parochial underbelly. Actually, the term Eskimo comes from a Native American word that may have meant eater of raw meat. They prefer the name Inuit, which means 'the people' or 'real people' and comes from a language called Inuit-Inupiaq. The singular of Inuit is Inuk, which means 'person'.
Anyway, it has been said that Eskimos put their elderly out in the cold to let them freeze to death. They do this rather than waste precious resources that would normally go to those in the tribe that contribute to the common good. I'm sure this makes sense to those contributing to the common good. Grandpa, who made the mistake of snapping a hip when he slipped on some seal blubber, I'm sure had a completely different perspective while sitting naked outside the igloo.
You'd think that if we share their climate, we also share the Eskimo tradition of deep freezing the elderly. And if there was even a chance of that being the case, wouldn't that be enough to get many of our town's more senior residents to flee to Sarasota? I know it's a leap, but I still wonder about all the retirement homes.
Getting back to the point, I think I could raise a great deal of money for NPR. I'd hit the retirement villages hard. Here's how I'd start my pitch:
"You grew up with radio. In your youth, radio brought the world into your home. Now that you're half-blind, you've rediscovered the bounty of news and entertainment that radio brings to everyone's lives. But radio, particularly public supported radio, is in jeopardy. People have become lazy and jaded. They now depend on pictures (often moving pictures) to accompany the sounds that have always been perfectly good for people like you. People of more hearty stock who remember why it's so important not throw out perfectly good twine; why saltines crumbled in milk is a treat; and you remember when cardboard was an excellent method of extending the life of one's shoes."
Then I'd pull out the big guns:
"Don't you love your children? What about your great grand children? How about Jesus? We have documented proof that Jesus loves NPR. If you'd simply sign this document, you'd be establishing a legacy that would mean Jesus can continue to get great programming like Morning Edition and All Things Considered. I suppose you could say that you're, essentially, signing up for a ticket straight to heaven."
I should stop right here. I'm already feeling uneasy and I know that Jesus definitely isn't very happy with me at the moment. I apologize. However I know that's not going to save me. I'll probably have several bad dreams tonight. I'm sure that one of them will involve our savior. He will be really old, wearing a seal skin parka and kicking my ass.